The news
You don't feel prepared for this terrible trial, due to the fright that takes your breath away, the discouragement, the beginning of a slow agony. The bite of cancer and the body preparing to die... then the light arrives. The trials revealed to me the depth and the true meaning of life.
It was two days before Christmas, for me the most beautiful day of the year, when I was diagnosed with a fearsome malignant breast tumor. My world was collapsing around me: suddenly all certainties, joys, and every prospect for the future had dissolved like snow in the sun. Within a few moments I found myself in the darkest darkness, anguish had taken over my mind and blocked every reasoning and thought, and fear fueled despair. I didn't know what to hold on to, what to do, I stood there astonished and lost. Unconsciously I looked for the prayer booklet of the Invisible Monastery of Charity and Brotherhood and I started to pray. At the same time I sought your help, dear brothers, to direct my cry of supplication to Jesus to find the courage and strength to face what I considered the last trial of my life.
The Hospital
Since I was a little girl I had always been afraid of the hospital environment, now I had to overcome this fear too and, at every appointment, an anxiety that took my breath away would seize me. Difficult moments alternated with moments of quiet and I am sure these were due to the power of prayer; the people closest to me also offered me their help.
When I spoke to Corrado about my problem, we stayed on the phone for a long time. He transmitted peace, serenity and even the joy of being able to offer this great suffering to the Lord. That phone call was the beginning of a long series and thanks to him, even the darkest moments became bearable for me. How many times I thanked Jesus for placing Corrado by my side, a tangible sign of the help He was offering me.
Sometimes I was assailed by the fear of having displeased Jesus so much as to deserve such a great trial; I spent a lot of time examining my whole past life, to find some event that could have grieved Jesus. How foolish I was! Jesus loves us so much that sometimes He corrects us, but I understood this later: I realized that I had to abandon myself to His will because only He could be my strength.
First Surgical Intervention
For the surgical intervention, fears, doubts and the unknown of what I would feel resurfaced, along with the outcome of the surgery. Anxiety had taken over and I could no longer live because I was scared, yet I had the hope that Jesus would continue to help me; I relived my past life made of fears.
The severity of the diagnosis had thrown me into a disturbing apathy and nothing aroused any interest anymore. Everything that used to bring me joy now awakened no emotion in me, I saw only darkness before me and I felt a sensation of deep anguish that seemed to have no limits.
The waiting was nerve-wracking and no one could give answers to my requests for clarification. Humanity was screaming its weaknesses and only then did I experience my fragility. In the moment of the darkest despair a strange force pushed me to turn to God and implore His help, and in prayer I found a glimmer of hope and the courage to go on. I realized that the first battle to win was against my humanity which screamed its infinite despair through every pore and, without God's help, I would not have made it.
Return home
They communicated the outcome of the surgical intervention to me: the dangerous tumor had not been completely removed and for this reason another surgical intervention was necessary. My world collapsed on me for the second time. My mind could not understand what was happening: what affliction! Nothingness had taken possession of my soul and I could no longer glimpse any future, I could no longer contain the human side that screamed its fears and its sufferings.
It was a very large and aggressive tumor which within four months had reached the size of five centimeters. And to think that only four months earlier I had undergone a check-up, but the tumor had not been detected!
The doctor who was following me, waiting for the subsequent surgical intervention, decided to start the treatment immediately: considering my young age and the size of the tumor, she prescribed a very strong one for me.
Chemotherapy
Thus began a truly dramatic period for me. Chemotherapy was annihilating me: in addition to taking away any physical strength, it was destroying my mind. I was no longer myself! The emptiness was all around me, I could no longer see a way out. How much anguish in seeing myself so changed! And another fear had entered my life, that of no longer knowing how to love. I no longer felt any emotion, no stimulus, it was as if a part of my brain was blocked, but the other part understood and saw this change that no one had prepared me for, so everything seemed even more terrible. How much I cried! Only in Jesus did I find the strength to cling to the hope that everything would, sooner or later, end.
The first four chemotherapies were to be administered to me in the hospital at a distance of three weeks from each other, while I could do the other eight in day hospital.
March
The treatment was so long that it seemed endless to me. In March I entered the hospital for the first time and the anguish provoked a sensation of nausea in me: the fear of the unknown made my heart beat so strongly that I felt it pulsing in my neck.
I saw so much suffering around me: people with dull and sad looks, now exhausted by devastating treatments that had dragged on over time.
My gaze turned towards a wall where I saw the cross of Jesus. It seemed that He was speaking to me and wanted to tell me: "See how much I too have suffered!". He had suffered for me too and I thought that I could do something for Jesus: I asked Him what I would still have to face.
After seven hours my first drip of drugs ended and the tiredness was so strong that I could not stand on my feet. Back home I thought I was going to die, I experienced a tremendous nausea like never before, acute pains in my back and joints: I couldn't stand and fear, with all its consequences, resurfaced.
Long period of suffering
It was the beginning of a long period of suffering because the drug, in addition to weakening the body, had struck my mind: I was no longer myself, emptiness reigned inside and around me, no emotion stimulated me anymore. I seemed to be a completely different person from how I was, I had lost that playfulness that was part of my character. Prayer became my only powerful ally, to fight my humanity with its fears and weaknesses, and to give vigor to my soul. The subsequent admissions presented the same problems and, at every return home, the consequences of the treatment were always worse.
Allergic reaction
After the second chemotherapy, due to an allergic reaction, a myriad of blisters appeared on my face: they remained for a long time, even after stopping the drug that had caused them, and with every movement of my face they inflicted more pain on me.
My immune defenses were very low and I lived in terror of being attacked by some virus, an event that unfortunately occurred and I found myself forced to rush to the emergency room due to a high fever.
On the way to the hospital I prayed to ask Jesus for help and at the same time I got in touch with Corrado who prayed for me. I stayed in the emergency room waiting for the test results. With immense joy I learned from the doctor that my values had returned to normal: this meant that I could go home, hospitalization was not necessary. I thanked Jesus, I was certain that it was His work to spare me further suffering.
The treatment continues
The tiredness was increasingly stronger and I realized that my body was dying from the inside. With dismay I began to realize that I did not have enough strength to endure such a devastating treatment that the mere thought of it took my breath away. The nausea gave me no respite and was so strong that my stomach seemed destroyed and prevented me from eating; furthermore it caused me pains that lasted for hours and did not even allow me to recover my strength with food.
One night, after the third therapy, I got out of bed all sweaty, exhausted and very weak, so that I fell to the floor fainting. I called the doctor, he told me that I had had an intestinal blockage, caused by the anti-nausea drugs.
I implored Jesus with prayer to come to my rescue and He has never disappointed me.
Mild chemotherapy cycle
They informed me that the new cycle of chemotherapy would be milder; I thought that the worst was now behind me and hope began to make its way. I was wrong, because I soon experienced that, due to my state of exhaustion, I was forced to stay in bed almost all day. Six months had passed, now I lacked any vital energy and the will to fight. In this prostration I received the news that the second intervention had not been definitive either. There are no words to describe the immense discouragement: I had to be operated on again! I sank into a boundless affliction, while the darkness was enveloping me for a torment that appeared endless to me. I had exhausted all my tears, but I clung with all my being to the strength of prayer, with the certainty that many brothers were helping me in supplicating Jesus. I don't know where I would have found the energy without Jesus.
Another surgical intervention
I thus faced the third surgical intervention with one more hope: I had experienced the immense strength of prayer and I could hope to have now reached the end of my slow agony. During my hospitalization I had the perception that Jesus was beside me and that He was instilling courage in me. The first post-operative days were of suffering, but my recovery was so rapid as to astonish the doctors, who discharged me from the hospital even two days early.
Epilogue
I have reflected a lot on my past fears and on how suffering has changed me: the trials have revealed to me the depth and the true meaning of life, and even more I have discovered the essence of God's Love, for how He supported me in the dark moments. I have understood that the only important thing in life is love, both what you manage to give and what you receive from people, while everything else can only disturb the serenity of daily living. The most terrible effect of the treatment was its impact on the mind: it altered its rhythm, its nature and provoked in me such a sense of nothingness, of emptiness and of darkness, as to make me incapable of communicating such a dramatic experience. In incomprehension I felt humanly and tremendously alone.
Suffering shattered the humanity that screamed its despair and I had to endure a hard combat between affliction and the need of the soul, which invited me to entrust myself to Jesus through prayer.
The help received from Jesus was wonderful, obtained through my own prayer and the prayer of so many brothers: without you, I would have inexorably surrendered to the illness. Now that I have overcome the challenge I feel only joy and a sense of freedom, united with the certainty that I will never be alone again, because I will always have Jesus in my heart.
I wish with all the strength I have in my heart to thank all you brothers of the Invisible Monastery of Charity and Brotherhood, because through you the Lord has welcomed my supplications. Now I can shout all my joy: I feel reborn both in body and soul, I will never forget that you allowed me, through your prayers, to overcome the longest night of my life.
An immense thank you to Corrado, who was the greatest and most tangible sign of Jesus' love.
— Costanza