Life
Life is a collection of beautiful and less beautiful moments where problems sometimes take over and take away our serenity and hope for the future. Since childhood, I have always been a cheerful person, aware that difficulties are an integral part of living, to be faced decisively in order to find, sooner or later, a solution.
Over the years I didn't pay too much attention to how my life was changing, but I reassured myself by saying it was the difficulties, illnesses, and people's cruelty that had changed my sense of perceiving existence. My mind was as if imprisoned by too many fears; even a single wrong word spoken by anyone caused me anxiety and anguish that lasted for a long time. In the end, I realized I had suffered excessively over something trivial.
Prisoner
I was a prisoner of my thoughts and couldn't understand why, despite my efforts, I couldn't break this mental fixation. I was trapped in a labyrinth from which I didn't know how to find the way out. My intellect did warn me of the exaggerated importance I was giving to adversities, but...
An immense uncertainty had crept into my mind, making me doubt every decision. I had reached the point where I could no longer decide autonomously; I therefore needed constant reassurance from someone to assure me of the goodness of my actions. Where could I find those certainties to decide my own life?
I had fallen into a paradoxical situation where doubts, fears, anxieties, and anguish had become the companions of my days. Resignation now dominated me, and I was aware that if I didn't find the solution, I would never be free again.
Reflection
I began to reflect on my past. I saw myself young, when I was cheerful, happy, and optimistic, characteristics that were an integral part of my sunny personality. These peculiarities, after marriage, slowly faded as I entered a family totally different from my own. There, arrogance and oppression reigned. Accustomed as I was to considering others' reasons, to listening to feelings and the reasons of the heart, I lost my way.
My husband, despite declarations of love, left me at the mercy of his family's cruelty, and I, believing him also a victim, justified him. However, his actions toward me and the children were marked by domination, and so my mind couldn't understand what reality was.
Supplications to Jesus
Prayer had become my only refuge; I fervently implored Jesus to come to my aid. Jesus welcomed my heartfelt pleas by granting me the grace of meeting a spiritual director. From there I began a spiritual journey that allowed me to open the eyes of my soul. I understood that I had stifled every ideal of mine, every dream of mine; in short, I had extinguished my whole self.
I understood, through the spiritual director, that the mistake was to entrust my heart completely to a person very different from me. I thought I could change his terrible personality, but it was not possible. My husband demanded that I completely adapt to his way of thinking and acting. He even forced me to pursue his projects which were divergent from mine. His arrogance instilled fear and terror in me, and for this reason I had to give up living. I went along with him to avoid arguments and fights, to not make the children suffer, to not compromise our union.
I had decided alone
I believed the only solution was to accept my husband's arrogance and so, without realizing it, I let myself be brainwashed. My mind had become his and his family's; I acted and thought in function of their approval. My thoughts, like my ideas, had dissolved into nothingness; what was a tender love was swallowed up by the abyss of his possession.
I then understood that to live I would have to oppose his arrogance and harassment, because one cannot live chasing someone else's project if it leads to the death of the soul and inner emptiness.
The breakthrough
Thanks to my spiritual director, I was able to find the way out of the labyrinth of my mind. I understood that one must never compromise with what offends an honest person. Now I am convinced that we were created by God with the intelligence necessary to make useful and good decisions for our living, not with arrogance, but with ideas and love that complement the loved one and decide with them the best solution.
Considerations
This painful experience has taught me:
- One must be careful about the person to whom one entrusts one's heart and life, because if the person is arid they will do everything to make you a slave to their desires, break your dreams, and make you unhappy.
- I understood that one must always listen to the intellect, which always suggests what is right to do. One must not follow the other person in their senselessness in any way; rather, it is necessary to find the strength to fight for what one believes is right.
- I understood that to rediscover joy and serenity, one must accept people for who they are. If they are not good, one must pray for them so that Jesus can convert their hearts and grant peace in our hearts, freeing them from all resentment.
Now, with the help of Jesus, I have assimilated all these things and my existence has become happy again. We are content and happy; the people who had oppressed me respect me because I found the courage to fight for what I believe in. As if by magic, that sense of fear that had chained me to evil for a long time has dissolved.
I wish to give thanks to Jesus, to my spiritual director, and to the brothers and sisters of the Invisible Monastery who supported me with prayer. Yes, the darkness of my mind was overcome by the dazzling light of Truth, which restored to my soul breath, joy, and the ability to fly in the sky of God.
— Maria